Withholding Love as Punishment

In my daily writing, the subject of withholding love as punishment came up. I have never put much thought into this subject, yet its power is not lost on me. Also, I want to learn as much about this as I can because I don’t want to be the kind of person that behaves this way. 

With this in mind, a conversation with my Inner Voice will be beneficial. My questions will be in italics for clarity. 

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I’m not sure where to begin on such a powerful topic.

When a person is experiencing true, pure love, they will never see a need to withhold love as a form of punishment. Yet often this is not the case. To withhold love for any reason is a conditional act. The condition is: behave in a way that pleases me and love will be returned. If the behavior does not please, then love is withheld as retaliation. 

The behavior of withholding love is a learned response, because anyone that is living their truth—through the eyes and heart of love—would not behave this way. To truly love someone is to love them without condition or expectation. Withholding love is also a way to control others. This is teaching that love is a reward for behaving well. When they behave poorly love is withheld, if they behave in a way that pleases, love is shared and expressed. This is not true, unconditional love.

Isn’t this type of behavior common, especially after an argument or disagreement? 

It may be common, but that doesn’t make it right, or loving. It must be understood that you cannot claim to truly love someone, then withhold love because they view things differently than you. This is using love as a weapon, meant to harm the other person. The intention of love is to heal, not to harm. If this behavior is common, then there are many people that are living in conditional relationships. 

Would you explain conditional relationships in the context of this conversation? 

A conditional relationship is one that has placed conditions and expectations as a baseline for the relationship. If love is given with a condition, then there is an expectation of something in return for the love that is shared. If the expectation is not fulfilled, then love is withheld as punishment. The condition is to behave a certain way so love can be shared. If this is the case then this is not a relationship rooted in love, it is a relationship founded on expectations, and control.

Why would someone withhold love as a punishment? 

The person that is withholding love as a punishment, is seeking to control the other person, or persons, through the act of withholding love. Imagine how someone that is seeking love from this person may feel. At some point they may begin to changes their behavior to feel love. Once this person changes their behavior, the cycle will begin again. They would rather feel love than be punished for not changing who they are. 

The person withholding love is saying to others, change who you are to please me, then I will show you my love. That’s a powerful message. 

That is the intention when love is withheld as a punishment. The belief is that others will change to receive their love, otherwise no love will be expressed. Again this is a way to control others. There is no love in this behavior, and when love is shared it has many conditions attached to it.

If a person withholds love as a punishment, is their any true love within them? 

A person that withholds love as a punishment is seeking to experience love from those that change their behavior to please them. This means that they are not experiencing any self-love and want to control others through their behavior. The belief is that if others change, they will believe that they have value, even though their value is rooted in manipulation. 

Basically this behavior is manipulating others so others show them love, or change their behavior. If others don’t show love or behave in a certain way, they punish them by withholding love. This would mean that love is not true or authentic.

The love that they withhold is rooted in control and a desire for power over others. It is not a true, authentic love, it is a love founded in manipulation. In truth, this is not love at all, it is a struggle for value, through controlling others. 

That’s a powerful thought, and this a powerful conversation. 

Remember, any person that withholds love as a punishment, is lacking in their ability to love themselves. They seek self-worth by attempting to control others through withholding love. 

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As I read this conversation once again, I can see that there will be more conversations on this subject. It causes me to look at my past behavior, but it also makes me aware of my behavior now. It’s a powerful subject to be sure.

Please let me know that you think, you can leave a comment or a question below or you can email me at, paulhudon23@gmail.com. I’m always open to expanding the conversation for more clarity.

This week the wisdom of my Inner Voice discusses the need for self-examination, as a way to discover our authentic self. If you would like to receive this conversation, there is a place to subscribe at the bottom of this page. You can also email me and I’ll add you to the list.

If you would like to read more wisdom from my Inner Voice, check out my monthly articles in New Spirit Journal, newspiritjournalonline.com or Conscious Shift Magazine, consciousshiftmagazine.com. These are two great resources for inspiration and spirituality. 

Thank you for reading my blog, your support is greatly appreciated.

Peace and Well-Being.

Copyright Paul Hudon 2020